The Ultimate Torture Device
by kirigirisplushrump
Summary: Itachi, Kisame, Deidara, and Sasori find a site called fanfiction. Chaos ensues
1. A cow says moo!

**Disclaimer: Happy New Year! I don't own Naruto, or the Akatsuki, or fanfiction, but I wish I did!**

**A/N: I know I probably am not the first one to come up with the concept, but the story line is mine.**

Itachi, Kisame, Deidara, and Sasori sat in silence around a kotatsu, for some strange reason. All that was on the table was a bowl of clementines, they were in season, and a laptop, don't ask where they got it, because that is a completely different reason. No, the real reason they were sitting in silence was what they found on the computer. I site called . They were looking through the strange names of the series', when they came across the name _Naruto_. They clicked on it, and that is when the real chaos began.

"Hey Itachi, this one has your brother's name under it, along with Naruto's." Kisame broke in as he clicked on the title. He started reading aloud. I feel compelled to note that they were in the 'rated M' section.

_"'I love you, Naruto." Sasuke confessed as he pulled Naruto into a deep kiss..."_ Kisame read.

"WHAT! MY LITTLE BROTHER WOULD NEVER DO THAT!" Itachi yelled, attempting to stand up, but hitting his knee on the kotatsu in the process. He swore under his breath and Deidara stole the laptop.

"Gimme that, un. Here's one with his name and Sakura H. under it. I think she might be female, un." Deidara said.

_"Sasuke pounced on Sakura, passionately making out with her, un. He slipped his hand under her shirt..."_ Itachi started laughing

"Oh Sasuke, you bad boy. You take after your big brother, they just can't stay away." Itachi chuckled. Sasori angrily tore the laptop out of Deidara's hands.

"Oh look, here's one with both your names, Kisame and Itachi." Sasori guessed that, with the pattern, it would not make Itachi happy.

_"'I've always liked you as more than a partner' Itachi told Kisame, slightly blushing. Kisame smirked_

_ 'prove it'" _**one lemon later.**

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT! HOW COME I WAS THE UKE!" Itachi yelled. Everybody but Itachi and Kisame laughed.

"It's because you're beautiful, un." Deidara giggled.

"It just doesn't work!" Kisame commented.

"You're right, un," Deidara agreed, "KisaIta doesn't work because Itachi is beautiful and Kisame's a fish, un."

"I am not a fish, I am a mammal!" Kisame was sensitive about his... species.

"And what is this 'KisaIta'? Did you make that up? Why?" Itachi pressed.

"No, the summary says _'Warning: KisaIta, Yaoi, Lemon, M-Preg'"_ Sasori informed them. Kisame fell on the floor and had a seizure, and Itachi was shaking angrily.

"You knew that would happen!" He angrily snatched the computer. "And I get _pregnant!_" He found a Sasodei, with a more explicit warning

_"Danna-sama, I feel like I'm melting, un..."_ Itachi dramatically read.

"ONE TIME, un! I SAID THAT ONE TIME, un!" Deidara yelled.

"Don't tell them that." Sasori whispered loudly. Then his eye widened.

"Man, this is the evilest thing ever." Itachi commented. Then he smiled. "You know, we could use this to our advantage."

"What do you mean." Kisame rose from the floor.

"This is the ultimate torture device." Itachi explained. "Just think of the things we could do with this." Everybody blushed furiously. This could be the beginning of something good, or bad.

**So, did you guys like it. I'm contemplating on whether I should continue if or not. Please ****review and tell me what you think I should do. Bye**


	2. SHINY!

**Yay chappie numero dos! For those of you, like me, who don't speak Spanish, that means number 2. The chappie part was not Spanish, it was barely English. But onto the required stuff. ****Eu não possuo Naruto, that's I don't own Naruto in Portuguese! I'm a little nervous, because today my friend read my palm and said that it said I am a bad artist and writer. And that I will die alone. Let's hope that's not true.**

"HIDAN! YOU OWE ME MONEY!" The crowd heard their money-obsessed associate yell at Hidan.

"I do not!" The masochist yelled back.

"Do you have proof of that?" Itachi and Deidara had the same devilish smile and looked at each other. They grabbed the computer. They scrolled to _Kakuzu_ and _Hidan_. They found a story with a description that made them cringe. They would have a good laugh at this.

"Hey! You guys need to take a look at this, un..."

**After the story**

"WHAT! I blow all my money on cheese dip!" Kakuzu screeched.

"That's what bothers you?" His partner seethed in anger. "I would be more worried about where, or rather who, you put it on. I feel so dirty." He shuttered before bursting out "Forgive me Jashin!" The boys burst out in laughter.

"By the way, where did you get this contraption? And did it cost me money?" Kakuzu said uncharacteristically calm for the situation. Maybe it was culture-shock.

"No, we found it. I'd like to tell you the story, but I think it would be more fun to torture Hidan some more." Itachi informed him. Kakuzu shrugged.

"Fine by me."

**After finding Hidan.**

"Are you okay, un?" The Iwa nin asked with fake sympathy.

"Maybe this will cheer you up"

**One Hidan/Konan story later**

"OH MY JASHIN!" Hidan yelled, running out of the room at top speed. Except the door was closed, so he ran into the door. The force of impact was so much, he passed out. Itachi and Deidara burst out in laughter.

"What the hell!" Konan slithered in, angrier than ever. Itachi and Deidare cowered in fear as she yanked the laptop from their hands. She started to laugh evily.

_"Itachi and Deidara battled for dominance in their kiss..."_

"Okay, stop God-dammit!" Deidara screamed, covering his ears.

"Wait! I want to find out who the seme is!" Itachi blurted out. The two other shinobi looked at him. "N-no, i-it's not what you think! It's just..." he suddenly got quiet. "I'm always the uke in these things, I just wanted to know..."

"You're not" Konan interrupted.

"Then why are you still here?" Itachi yelled. Konan decided that she had caused enough emotional pain for both of them, and that it was time to bow out. After a moment of silence Deidara burst out in laughter.

"What?" Itachi suspiciously asked.

"It's just, you were going on and on about the trouble we could cause with this, but it backfired on you, un" Deidara giggled.

"You should be talking _'stop it!'_" Itachi mocked. Deidara turned red.

"I do not sound like that, un!" Deidara cried.

"You do too!" Itachi shot back. "You sound like a little kid, Deidara-bozu**_(1)"_**

"Well, uh, at least don't look like an old man!" Deidara retorted.

"What do you mean?" Itachi roughly asked.

"What's with those lines on your face, you look like an old man, Itachi-jichan**_(2)_**, un"

"Deidara-bozu"

"Itachi-jichan!"

"Bozu" "Jichan"

"Bozu" "Jichan"

"Bozu" "Jichan" Deidara and Itachi yelled simultaneously for three minutes straight.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Pein yelled, as he burst through the door. "ALL THIS FUCKING YELLING IS DRIVING ME UP A FUCKING WALL!"

"He started it" They both accused, pointing at the other, like two preschoolers standing before a ripped teddy bear. Pein was shaking. He took a deep breath.

"If you are going to act like little kids, then you will be punished like a little kid." Pein's voice shook, he would not make a good kindergarten teacher, although that's mostly because he's the leader of a gang of murderous S-ranked criminals. "Go to your rooms."

"I'm not the little kid, he is!" Itachi corrected.

"Go to your rooms." Pein was losing his temper.

"But-"

"Would you rather have a spanking?" Pein offered, though it was a joke, but do to a rather explicit fanfic they had read earlier, they fled the room faster than you could say, uh, um, something. That works, not really. They had left the laptop though, just it a place for Pein to see.

** Cliffhanger, kinda. Thank you for reading! I take requests for stories, so if you want me to include part of your story, and I will give credit to you, or have a request for a pairing for them to read, review or PM me. The first person to review will have the next chapter dedicated to them.**

_**Bozu- an informal way to refer to a boy, similar to the English term "kid" or "squirt"**_

_**Jichan- Directly meaning uncle, often used to refer to a middle-aged man.**_


	3. Blackmail

**I don't own Naruto. Sorry about the late update. You know, drama club stuff. It takes up time. But we have a day off, so yay!**

_ What is this?_ Pein thought as he picked up the laptop, which was still open to the page. He read on. _Oh dear god, when did this happen._ He ran to the room that he just sent the two boys to.

"BOYS!" He yelled as he pounded up the stairs. He opened the door. Itachi was painting his nails and Deidara was pouting in the corner. "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!" He pointed at the screen. The boys gasped, and Itachi messed up his nails, then cursed under his breath.

"It's not what you think, un!" Deidara defended.

"It's purely fiction, this never happened!" Itachi added. "I would never be his uke!" Deidara glared at him.

"I like the other Itachi better, un." Deidara commented.

"This isn't real?" Pein asked. The boys nodded. Pein got an evil grin. "You're right, you should be the seme once in a while." Deidara caught on.

"Let me help you with that, un!" He grinned and found an ItaSasu fic.

"NO! WE ARE BROTHERS! BROTHERS!" Itachi yelled, covering his ears. He was overprotective of his younger brother.

"Oh, here's another one!" Pein scrolled to another.

"Stop it! I beg of you!" Itachi cried.

"I will if you stop being so disruptive." Pein bargained.

"And stop complaining about being the uke, yeah." Deidara added.

"Anything! Anything you want! Just please stop!" Itachi bawled. Pein and Deidara looked at each other.

"Alright." Pein said as he left the room.

"Later, uke, un" Deidara teased. Itachi looked up. Deidara stopped in the door, smirking.

"Don't call me a-" Itachi started.

"Ah-ah-ah" Deidara wagged his finger. "Oh look, a laptop. What is this on the screen, un." Great artist. Terrible actor. Just saying. Itachi's eyes widened.

"No! Please don't!" Itachi pleaded.

"Say it, un." Deidara pushed.

"Say what?" Itachi asked, though he had an eerie feeling that he knew what "it" is.

"Say that you're the uke, un." Deidara continued.

"Never." Itachi spat.

"_Itachi grabbed the handcuffs-_" Deidara red.

"No! Stop!" Itachi whined.

"Then say it, un" Deidara ordered

"No!" Itachi held his head  
"Say it or I will continue, un!" Deidara continued.

"I won't." Itachi whimpered.

"Fine, I'm just getting to the good part, yeah." Deidara opened his mouth to continue.

"Fine!" Itachi gave in. "I'm an uke." He mumbled. Deidara grinned and put his hand around his ear.

"What, I didn't hear you, un." He pretended.

"I'm an uke." Itachi continued.

"Can you repeat that. It's awful loud in here, un." Deidara said.

"I'm a god-damn uke!" Itachi screamed. Deidara smiled in victory, while Itachi hung his head in defeat. His throat hurt from yelling. As you know, Itachi is not exactly in the best of health. He started coughing. S_hit!_ He thought. He pulled his bloody hand away. He turned to leave. He didn't want to have anyone see him like this.

"What, are you ashamed, un?" Deidara didn't know when to end.

"Dammit Deidara! Would you just shut up!" Itachi turned and yelled before he started coughing again. Blood seeped through his fingers.

"Oh my gawd." Deidara gasped. "Did I?"

"I yelled too loud." Itachi interjected. He shook his head. "Why am I telling you this, you don't care."

"I'm sorry, un" Deidara muttered.

"No you're not. Your just saying that because you feel sorry for me. Well, you know what? I don't need you or your pity. Do me a favor and stay away from me." Itachi ran out of the room. Deidara looked down at his hands. What had he done? He had always dreamed of the day he got revenge on Itachi. So why did he feel so bad.

**Sorry it's short, and for the wait, but, I thought it was a good ending place. Poor Itachi. Anyway, that was the latest chapter. Next time, I'll try to update sooner. I miss my cell phone. I borrowed my friends cosplay, and she left before I could get my phone back. RYU!**


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